Moss on Motoring

I’ve now been told by five different people that I’m a paranoid driver.

As hard as it might be to admit, the diagnosis is accurate. I’m paranoid behind the wheel, and I need help.

Let me explain the symptoms: it begins before I even enter the car. I get the sudden feeling that something must have gone wrong in the night. Perhaps my precious wheels have been vandalised? Perhaps some uncouth cretin has stolen my engine while I slept? Surely, something has gone wrong.

Then, after a preliminary sweep of all four tyres (because you just know one of them will be flat – possibly more) it’s time to enter the car. That is, if the locks haven’t been drilled out by a passing teenager.

Life on the road gets even worse. Every squeak is a potential killer, every slight vibration the precursor to a slow and agonizing death. I spend more time looking at my temperature gauge than I do actually looking at the road. It’s a serious condition.

Even when the journey is over, the paranoia continues. The car can’t be left alone in case someone decides to put something explosive beneath it. And woe behold any passer by that gives it a second look. Of course, they must be thinking of coming back later to key it and therefore must be apprehended immediately.

Ok, so I might be exaggerating very slightly, but the feeling of unease behind the steering column is very real. What’s more, I’m betting I’m not the only paranoid motorist out there.

Surely you’ve all seen the latest fad among vehicle manufacturers – the elusive warranty. It used to be the case that three years was the accepted norm, but now manufacturers will readily offer five or even seven years of full cover if it gets customers into the showroom. Vauxhall’s warranty could even last a lifetime. Manufacturers are playing on our darkest fears, and I hate to say it but I’m a sucker for it every time.

Something needs to be done.

I think it’s time to take control of the fear, to shed light on the darkness of automotive inadequacy and go forth into a sunlit, dilemma free life of motoring. Let this be the hour that we cast off the shackles of driving paranoia and venture onward unafraid. Tomorrow is a new day, and it will be accident free.

…Now if you don’t mind I need to go and check the oil levels in the Focus for the sixteenth time this evening.

Posted in Motoring Columns

If you were somehow still hungover yesterday evening, you may have missed the return of the BBC’s excellent detective series, Sherlock.

Essentially, the series re-creates Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s brilliant novels within a modern day setting. The 21st-century Sherlock Holmes uses text messaging and email rather than carrier pidgeons to solve crimes, and instead of rogues on horses he’s chasing down bomb-makers and mass murders.

Not everything’s changed though: The intrepid Dr Watson is still at Sherlock’s side, as the elusive Moriarty threatens to topple the world into chaos.

But there’s one element missing. In the original novels, everyone got around by horse. It was a given that whenever a chase was called for, Sherlock would hail a horse and carriage to catch up.

In the modern adaptation though, there are cars. Lots of them. Yet Sherlock seems to be annoyingly reliant on public transport and taxis in order to get around.

This sparked a bit of a debate on Twitter the other night – what would Sherlock drive?

Suggestions ranged from the BMW 5-series, through the Toyota Prius ending up at the Bristol Blenheim. The Smart ForTwo was also mentioned – but we’ll keep that quiet. My own choice, considering Sherlock is a staunch urbanite, was a Citroen DS3. Although having said that the phrase: “To the Citroen, my dear Watson,” doesn’t have much of a ring to it.

But what do you think? What set of wheels would the world’s greatest detective use in modern day London? Answers on a postcard please, the game’s afoot.

(PS. You can follow Sherlock’s creator, Steven Moffatt on Twitter here.)

Posted in Motoring Columns

Hello everyone, welcome back.

Honestly, for a few terrible moments there I thought this blog had disappeared altogether, lost down the back of the sofa of human ignorance.

But I’m back, and 2012 is shaping up to be a very good year indeed.

2011 has been by far the most interesting year of my life. I’ve gone from poor student to mostly-poor journalist. I’ve joined the employed masses, and am happy contributing my little part to society.

To be serious for just a moment, I could never have imagined a year ago I’d be where I am now, and I would never have got here if it weren’t for the support of my friends and family. To them, I can only say thanks.

And now that’s all over, let’s get down to business. 2012 looks to be an interesting year for the motor trade, and there’s some interesting launches on the horizon. There’s plenty of places to get your car news quota too, whether it be from Keith Jones’ excellent Petroleum Vitae blog, from news staples like Autocar and What Car? or even from my own Motoring Daily Digest.

Let’s make 2012 the year of the petrolhead. I’ll drink to that…

Posted in Motoring Columns

There are many reasons why my manliness might be called into question.

Perhaps it’s my seemingly unending inability to grow any sort of facial hair. Perhaps it’s my alarmingly bland wardrobe, or perhaps it’s the fact that thus far my toolbox contains only one item: a hammer.

But now, thanks to the arrival of this in the office, I feel a complete gentleman:

Now, granted, the subject of this particular Haynes manual is somewhat fictional. And quite how a manual and  a hammer is going to help me to repair a fully-functioning spacecraft remains to be seen, but the point is simple. I don’t think any self-respecting chap can call himself complete without owning a Haynes manual.

They are the crucible of male knowledge, a bible in the art of fixing things. For those who say that man is simply a vessel for keeping sperm at the right temperature, this is our answer.

Haynes doesn’t just confine itself to spacecraft either, it turns out they have rather a lot of car based manuals as well. They even do one for my car, which means I could theoretically tackle any mechanical malody which should arise; or even just poke around under the bonnet for fun.

Right, where are my hammers…

Posted in Motoring Columns
Tags: darren moss, Haynes, manual, Star Wars, tools

These days, it’s really not cool to like cars.

You know what I mean. Rising fuel prices, an ageing car population, ever-tightening emissions legislation, it seems like the whole world has got an axe to grind against car culture.

With the focus of the public being heavily pulled towards electric vehicles, you’d be forgiven for thinking that the petrolhead community would be driven back into the shadows.

However, and it gives me great pleasure to say this, we’re still going strong. Just this weekend, I’ve seen three examples of car culture standing out from the crowd, and making the world a better place as a result.

Firstly, a friend of mine has finished competing in the annual Britcar 24 hour race at Silverstone. He’s been running a Mazda MX5 around the legendary racetrack all weekend, eventually finishing 16^th and beating all sorts of supercars to the finish.

Secondly, I’ve seen a number of brilliant classics out on the road this weekend. On the way back from London on Friday night I saw a mint condition Mach 1 Ford Mustang standing at the lights. Here is a car which, in modern society, is about as acceptable as smoking in church. And yet, people were happy to stop, stare and wave the yellow beast by, listening as it roared into the distance. The Mustang enriched the lives of all those gathered for just a few moments.

Finally, this weekend gave my father the opportunity to take his classic 911 (993 targa, if you’re interested) out for one last spin. He’d faithfully packed it away as soon as the first leaves fell, packing it away in the garage under a blanket and hooking it up to its battery life support system. But thanks to the sunshine, he was able to take it for one last spin along the country lanes, and it was brilliant.

So really, there are still a lot of people out there who really love cars. And despite the increasing sense that liking anything on four wheels is a bad idea these days, it seems that petrol headed-ness is still in full swing.

And if anyone tells you otherwise, just remember this: cars are forever being blamed for the miracle of global warming. Greenpeace and other terrorist organisations like to claim that because you like to take your old MG out on a Sunday morning, the Earth will melt and many baby seals will die. They say the effects of all our terrible emissions will be catastrophic.

Yet I didn’t see them complaining about the nice weather we’ve been having this weekend, the warmest start to October since 1895. In fact, I think we can safely say that it’s thanks to petrol heads that you were able to do some sunbathing this weekend.

You’re welcome.

Posted in Motoring Columns

Dear Motoringists,

Settle down, settle down, enough with the small talk.  Let me introduce myself, my name is Brett McKenna and I will be writing a little guest post for Darren, mostly because he couldn’t be bothered to do one himself.

I will start off with a little family history. I come from a family whose main interest is cars, my father owns and operates an MoT and vehicle repair centre. As such I have been privileged enough to have been carried in and driven a variety of motoring delights throughout my life, but for what will be my first guest post I would like to draw your attention in particular to one car, the Ford Focus. In my next few posts we will get onto the tricky subject of the cars my father has owned!

The first car I ever bought was a black 56 reg Focus back in 2007, she* was perfection, everything a gentleman could ever wish for in his first car. Stylish, economical and fun to drive. However our love affair would not last long as she would be ripped from my hands in an accident, through the untimely courtesy of another family member, only two months into my driving career (more on this in a later post).

After this I went through a rather cosmopolitan wardrobe of cars: a Vauxhall Astra, BMW 3 Series, Mini Cooper S and a Lexus IS all culminating in the form a Ford Focus that currently sits on my drive.

But what is the point I’m making here you might ask? Well it’s this: no one in my family has ever held onto a car for more than two years.

Is this because we are bored easily or have more money than sense? No, quite simply we all love cars and probably waste far more money on them than any man should.

Yes we may get distracted by the luxury of a Lexus or the speed of a Cooper S or even the temptation that Vauxhall might just be that little bit better, but we all know where it ends. It ends in the birthplace of modern motoring itself, Ford.

After all these years and all these cars I can say none satisfy me as much as what a Ford does. I think at heart man has a yearning for solid build quality and practicality, all of which ford offers at a reasonable price. I know VW does it as well but the Germans can just miss out on that rustic manly factor which is just inherent with Ford.

What will the future hold for me then? Who knows no doubt I will flirt with other cars and be tempted away by the sleekness of Madame Aston Martin, but when I am 60 I will be driving a Ford. I will leave this driving world the same way I entered it.

*You’ll quickly pick up that Brett was born with a medical condition where he must personify his motoring idols – Darren 

Posted in Guest posts, Motoring Columns

Posted in Motoring Columns
Tags: cars, darren moss, driving, motoring

I wrote a while back about the prospect of getting a new car. And whilst discussing my requirements I said that as long as it had four doors, a roof and some sort of engine I wasn’t particularly bothered what it was.

I asked for your help in finding the right car, and you lovely lot came through again.

Your answers poured in through comments, tweets, emails and even a few calls. Each offered advice and suggestions on where to shop and what to get. There was even the offer of a car or two, for the right price.

Now of course, thinking about getting a new car gives motor lovers a perfect excuse to play around on Autotrader, seeing what’s available and crucially, for how much.

I have to admit, this is the first time I’ve ever had to buy my own car. My current set of wheels, old and knackered though they are, was bought for me as a first car. So I’ve never seen what’s available for the relatively modest budget I have at the moment.

Imagine my surprise then, to find the smorgasbord of performance motoring sitting at my fingertips on the Internet. BMW’s, Mazda’s, even a few Audi’s were all available within my budget, and most were in a decent condition too.

My mind filled with possibilities. I could have a turbo, air-con and oh so much more for a little under £6000. Me! With a turbo! Needless to say, the whole idea gave me the fizz.

And it continued giving me the fizz right up until the moment I rang the local Ford dealership and arranged to see a Focus.

You see, above all of my many negative qualities, I am admittedly a bit of a wimp. I find large groups of small children both terrifying and disturbing. I have never experienced the horror of being at a music festival. Watching anything labelled as ‘thrilling’ ‘scary’ or ‘bewitching’ is right out.

And that’s why I’ve decided on a Focus. It’s sensible, relatively cheap, and because there’s so many of them around parts will be easy to come by. Admittedly, it’s a cop out, the wimp’s choice.

But, on the other hand, maybe it’s just the voice of reason breaking through the inevitable daydreaming fog. Of course, in an ideal world I’d go straight for the RX-8 and to hell with anything that went wrong on the road.

Unfortunately this isn’t an ideal world. Cars do go wrong, and when they do they need fixing. And, ultimately, I think I stand a better chance of getting a good all-round deal with a Focus than with anything else.

Of course, I may be completely wrong on that front, and please do feel free to correct me. Time will tell whether I’ve made the right decision, but for now the papers haven’t been signed, and no money has parted ways.

Perhaps there’s still time for a revelation?

Posted in Motoring Columns

Yes, you read the title right. Do not adjust your computer screen. The time has finally come for me to get a new car.

It’s a big decision, and one that frankly I’m in two minds about. You see, and for those regular readers sorry for the recap, I’ve been running my tiny 1.25 litre Ford Fiesta (an N registration Ghia model, if you’re interested) for the past four years.

Now bearing in mind that the Fiesta is my first car, that’s quite an achievement. And contrary to the rules of first car ownership (which state explicitly that if you haven’t written off or irreparably damaged the car within the first year of your ownership you’re clearly doing something very wrong) it’s still running fine.

Well, I say fine.

I suppose it’s time for a bit of honesty, because the truth of the matter is that the dear old ‘Festa isn’t really fine at all. It’s old. Very old. It harks from a time when tape decks were the height of in-car entertainment, and air conditioning was provided by the windows.

It’s slow, too. And I don’t just mean slow on the motorway, it’s slow everywhere. Put your foot down in the Fiesta and you’ll be serenely carted along to something like 30mph, where the engine will stop and take a breather before even thinking about going any faster.

But, for all its little foibles, this is a car with character. It’s my first, my one, my all. Well, something to that effect, anyway.

And now that I’m an employed person (with a desk in an office and everything) I think it’s high time to be considering some new wheels.

But what to get? What’s the right step up from a Fiesta? Is it a sensible leap forward to a Focus? Or is it a more sedate walk toward something like a VW Golf? Or do we admit that mid-life crises are happening earlier these days and leap onto the first old Jag that steams my way?

Let’s be realistic from the outset, too. My budget is not what you’d call happy. It’s not event mediocre. In fact, it’s downright depressing. I’ve worked out that even with the trade in value of the Fiesta being somewhere around the £500 mark, I’m still looking at a total budget of just £3.5K. And what sort of car will that buy you?

And that’s where I want, nay need, your help, dear reader. Help me choose my next car. Help me decide where to go, and what to spend my pitiful savings on. All I ask is that you keep it decent. We won’t be going for any yes-I-know-it’s –on-fire-darling-but-it-was-a-really-great-deal shenanigans here. Keep it sensible.

I’m open to any and all suggestions. Obviously it needs a roof, an engine, and some door contraption would be preferable too. A radio of some sort. And windows. But outside of those rather slim criteria, I leave the decision up to you.

Let’s find me a car. And let’s do it quick, because with the rate my Fiesta’s lifespan is disintegrating, there won’t be much of a car left to sell.

And then I’ll be really buggered.

Posted in Motoring Columns
Tags: cars, darren moss, driving, engine, fiesta, ford, motoring