Moss on Motoring

I’ve written before on this blog of my love for the small island of Cyprus. Surrounded by Turkey, Syria and Lebanon this small island is, for me at least, the absolute definition of beauty.

There are many reasons why I would choose to rate Cyprus above all others. The views are simply stunning, the sea is crystal clear and the locals are always friendly. Crime too, is almost non existent. Put it this way, when the Cypriots go out of
an evening, they don’t bother with anything so tedious as locking up the house, because they feel no need to.

Perhaps those are just some of the reasons that has led Cyprus to rise as a tourist hotspot in recent years. I think it’s also part of the reason why a growing number of ex-pats are beginning to call it home.

There is, however, a flaw with Cyprus. And unfortunately, it’s a big one. When they take to the roads something strange happens to the Cypriots. They’re transformed from peaceful, good natured men and women into something approximating a road devil. They go absolutely mental. Rules of the road become nothing more than guidelines, and the guidelines put down for something as important as the highway code are tossed out of the window and burnt.

On a recent holiday to the island I had plenty of opportunities to observe this behaviour firsthand, usually as the driver behind put his full attention to forcing his way onto my back seat.

In Britain, for example, red lights at junctions mean stop, and that’s the end of the matter. In Cyprus such things are more of an optional courtesy to other road users. In fact I’m increasingly of the opinion that most Cypriot drivers are colourblind, such is their confusion with red and green.

It doesn’t just stop at traffic lights, though. Roundabouts also seem to be a mound of confusion. Rights of way and general good manners are completely lost, so the only way to determine when a gap in the traffic is coming is to inch out and hope the bloke coming towards you favours keeping his car intact rather than beating you to the exit.

Such things would be easy of course if said drivers were paying any sort of attention to the road. Unfortunately, they all seem to have better things to be doing than concentrating on driving. Mobile phones have been around for over thirty years now, and yet Cypriot motorists are the only ones to have invented them as a surgical attachment to the ear. Seriously, I think there are more drivers in Cyprus talking on their phones than there are other people on the island to talk to, which means most of them are probably just calling other people on the road for a chat. You know, as you do.

The official line from the Cypriot government is that driving an using a mobile phone is illegal, and anyone caught doing so will be fined. Except they won’t, because the cars in Cyprus have different colour number plates depending on if you’re a local or foreign driver. And since constable Tassos won’t want to catch Stavros from down the road for talking on his phone and make things awkward at the next barbecue, he will instead aim for you, because you’re a foreign driver and as such have a bright red number plate attached to your car. In other words, you’re a target.

Despite all this though, this island is truly wonderful. Once you’ve escaped the death trap of the motorway and have reached your destination, you can really start to know the island. Whether you head for the snow-capped peaks of the Troodos mountains, or for the peaceful splendour of Cape Greko, Cyprus has so much to offer.

You could even indulge, if you’re the sort of person who thinks exercise is fun and not just thinly disguised torture, in a local sport known as hashing. I won’t go into the details, but it involves following a route of flour around a specified area. If you’re extremely lucky your fellow hashers (don’t worry, the only drug on offer is beer) will decide to name you. As you can see from the picture below, this is exactly what happened to me.

From now on in the hashing community, I am to be known as the Man Mountain. I happen to think that’s quite brilliant.

Posted in Motoring Columns
Tags: cyprus, driving, holiday, motoring

While doing quite a few miles per hour around the Rockingham oval this weekend, I had a thought.

Just after the first hairpin and before the aptly-named Tarzan corner, it occurred to me just how great the little Westfield my family has invested in really is.

Among the Lamborghinis, Aston Martins and thorough-bred racers that dominated the track day we were attending, the Westfield was a shining knight. Even as the day grew steadily wetter and the larger cars started to slow down, the tiny kit car grew stronger and stronger.

It really is an incredible feat of engineering, and what’s more because it’s not all hidden away beneath come veneer of luxury, you can see the mechanics at work.

Engineering at work - the Westfield on track at Rockingham

Unlike most modern road cars, the Westfield is something you actually have to drive. It doesn’t let you point it in the right direction and then take over, you have to think about every input, decipher every sensation coming back to you through the car. Every gear change is felt by the driver, every touch of the throttle a reminder of the enormous feat engineering at work.

So many modern cars cover up their vital organs. Lift the bonnet on most Mercedes or BMW models these days and it’s hard to identify which part of the engine is which, it’s all hidden away beneath a fabricated plastic sheet. The innards of the car – the actual parts that make it move in the first place – are hidden away out of sight.

Oh I know that’s what most drivers will want these days. We don’t care how it goes as long as it does, and most motorists won’t even lift the bonnet until the yearly MOT test comes around.

I hear it from garages too, that the decline in DIY servicing is partly to do with the fact that drivers are put off by what they can’t see. Motorists are frightened by the plastic under the bonnet.

I know too that for as long as the drive among vehicle manufacturers continues to be towards luxury and economy, the real engineering in a car will continue to be hidden away.

That’s why I think cars like the Westfield really are brilliant, they don’t have the added extras and encumbrances of normal cars, so everything is left on display. Open up the bonnet on a Caterham or similar kit car and everything is clearly identifiable, you can see the bare bones of the engine.

And because they don’t have any of the normal electronic aids either, these cars require skill to drive, especially if you want to go fast. Which, speaking of skill, is something I’m definitely lacking in if this weekend’s track day is anything to go by.

Oh well, practice makes perfect.

Posted in Motoring Columns
Tags: cars, darren moss, driving, engine, track days, Westfield

Oh dear, I may have finally taken the plunge into motorsport.

My family has made the decision this weekend to invest in a car for using on track days at a local motorsport arena, and I couldn’t be happier.

It all began on Saturday, when my father and brother decided to take their own road cars down to Rockingham Motor Speedway for a track day taster session. As his birthday is coming up, I stumped up the cash for dear brother to go and thrash his ‘beast.’

So, at 11am we pitched up. My father in his 274bhp Porsche 911 993 targa, and my brother in his 205bhp Vauxhall (or Opel, depending on where you are) Astra turbo. And since the rest of the family had decided to come along too, we brought the S-Max as well. Our little fleet descended upon Rockingham ready for a day of mild thrill-seeking.

Well, by the end of the session we’d all decided that track days are brilliant and we needed to do more of them. I’m in the process of making a video about the day too, which I’ll post on here in the coming weeks.

Over a few pints that evening, we thought about purchasing a proper track car to take down to the circuit.

The possibilities are endless. The circuit (all of fifteen minutes drive away) is perfect for track days, and if you’ve been to Rockingham before you’ll agree the circuit is both fun and challenging.

So, by this afternoon it had been decided. We’re going to buy a track car and give the whole motorsport route a go.

This isn’t anything new in my family either. As any regular reader will know my father used to indulge in hillclimb events frequently when my brother and I were younger. Now we’re older and both enjoy our cars as well, it seems like the perfect time to re-kindle the passion.

Let’s be clear, this isn’t some vain attempt to break into Formula One. No, this is simply a family project, we won’t be entering any races and we won’t be taking sponsorship deals. It’s just about getting a car on the track and having fun.

But the subject remains of what car to get? We need something small and sporty, a Caterham has been the top suggestion so far. Ideally we need one that’s already put some miles down on the track, leaving us with the minimal amount of fettling to do and consequently, the minimal amount to go wrong.

Suggestions on a postcard, please.

Posted in Motoring Columns

I’ve now been told by five different people that I’m a paranoid driver.

As hard as it might be to admit, the diagnosis is accurate. I’m paranoid behind the wheel, and I need help.

Let me explain the symptoms: it begins before I even enter the car. I get the sudden feeling that something must have gone wrong in the night. Perhaps my precious wheels have been vandalised? Perhaps some uncouth cretin has stolen my engine while I slept? Surely, something has gone wrong.

Then, after a preliminary sweep of all four tyres (because you just know one of them will be flat – possibly more) it’s time to enter the car. That is, if the locks haven’t been drilled out by a passing teenager.

Life on the road gets even worse. Every squeak is a potential killer, every slight vibration the precursor to a slow and agonizing death. I spend more time looking at my temperature gauge than I do actually looking at the road. It’s a serious condition.

Even when the journey is over, the paranoia continues. The car can’t be left alone in case someone decides to put something explosive beneath it. And woe behold any passer by that gives it a second look. Of course, they must be thinking of coming back later to key it and therefore must be apprehended immediately.

Ok, so I might be exaggerating very slightly, but the feeling of unease behind the steering column is very real. What’s more, I’m betting I’m not the only paranoid motorist out there.

Surely you’ve all seen the latest fad among vehicle manufacturers – the elusive warranty. It used to be the case that three years was the accepted norm, but now manufacturers will readily offer five or even seven years of full cover if it gets customers into the showroom. Vauxhall’s warranty could even last a lifetime. Manufacturers are playing on our darkest fears, and I hate to say it but I’m a sucker for it every time.

Something needs to be done.

I think it’s time to take control of the fear, to shed light on the darkness of automotive inadequacy and go forth into a sunlit, dilemma free life of motoring. Let this be the hour that we cast off the shackles of driving paranoia and venture onward unafraid. Tomorrow is a new day, and it will be accident free.

…Now if you don’t mind I need to go and check the oil levels in the Focus for the sixteenth time this evening.

Posted in Motoring Columns

If you were somehow still hungover yesterday evening, you may have missed the return of the BBC’s excellent detective series, Sherlock.

Essentially, the series re-creates Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s brilliant novels within a modern day setting. The 21st-century Sherlock Holmes uses text messaging and email rather than carrier pidgeons to solve crimes, and instead of rogues on horses he’s chasing down bomb-makers and mass murders.

Not everything’s changed though: The intrepid Dr Watson is still at Sherlock’s side, as the elusive Moriarty threatens to topple the world into chaos.

But there’s one element missing. In the original novels, everyone got around by horse. It was a given that whenever a chase was called for, Sherlock would hail a horse and carriage to catch up.

In the modern adaptation though, there are cars. Lots of them. Yet Sherlock seems to be annoyingly reliant on public transport and taxis in order to get around.

This sparked a bit of a debate on Twitter the other night – what would Sherlock drive?

Suggestions ranged from the BMW 5-series, through the Toyota Prius ending up at the Bristol Blenheim. The Smart ForTwo was also mentioned – but we’ll keep that quiet. My own choice, considering Sherlock is a staunch urbanite, was a Citroen DS3. Although having said that the phrase: “To the Citroen, my dear Watson,” doesn’t have much of a ring to it.

But what do you think? What set of wheels would the world’s greatest detective use in modern day London? Answers on a postcard please, the game’s afoot.

(PS. You can follow Sherlock’s creator, Steven Moffatt on Twitter here.)

Posted in Motoring Columns

Hello everyone, welcome back.

Honestly, for a few terrible moments there I thought this blog had disappeared altogether, lost down the back of the sofa of human ignorance.

But I’m back, and 2012 is shaping up to be a very good year indeed.

2011 has been by far the most interesting year of my life. I’ve gone from poor student to mostly-poor journalist. I’ve joined the employed masses, and am happy contributing my little part to society.

To be serious for just a moment, I could never have imagined a year ago I’d be where I am now, and I would never have got here if it weren’t for the support of my friends and family. To them, I can only say thanks.

And now that’s all over, let’s get down to business. 2012 looks to be an interesting year for the motor trade, and there’s some interesting launches on the horizon. There’s plenty of places to get your car news quota too, whether it be from Keith Jones’ excellent Petroleum Vitae blog, from news staples like Autocar and What Car? or even from my own Motoring Daily Digest.

Let’s make 2012 the year of the petrolhead. I’ll drink to that…

Posted in Motoring Columns