The paranoid’s guide to motoring – its all gone horribly wrong
I’ve now been told by five different people that I’m a paranoid driver.
As hard as it might be to admit, the diagnosis is accurate. I’m paranoid behind the wheel, and I need help.
Let me explain the symptoms: it begins before I even enter the car. I get the sudden feeling that something must have gone wrong in the night. Perhaps my precious wheels have been vandalised? Perhaps some uncouth cretin has stolen my engine while I slept? Surely, something has gone wrong.
Then, after a preliminary sweep of all four tyres (because you just know one of them will be flat – possibly more) it’s time to enter the car. That is, if the locks haven’t been drilled out by a passing teenager.
Life on the road gets even worse. Every squeak is a potential killer, every slight vibration the precursor to a slow and agonizing death. I spend more time looking at my temperature gauge than I do actually looking at the road. It’s a serious condition.
Even when the journey is over, the paranoia continues. The car can’t be left alone in case someone decides to put something explosive beneath it. And woe behold any passer by that gives it a second look. Of course, they must be thinking of coming back later to key it and therefore must be apprehended immediately.
Ok, so I might be exaggerating very slightly, but the feeling of unease behind the steering column is very real. What’s more, I’m betting I’m not the only paranoid motorist out there.
Surely you’ve all seen the latest fad among vehicle manufacturers – the elusive warranty. It used to be the case that three years was the accepted norm, but now manufacturers will readily offer five or even seven years of full cover if it gets customers into the showroom. Vauxhall’s warranty could even last a lifetime. Manufacturers are playing on our darkest fears, and I hate to say it but I’m a sucker for it every time.
Something needs to be done.
I think it’s time to take control of the fear, to shed light on the darkness of automotive inadequacy and go forth into a sunlit, dilemma free life of motoring. Let this be the hour that we cast off the shackles of driving paranoia and venture onward unafraid. Tomorrow is a new day, and it will be accident free.
…Now if you don’t mind I need to go and check the oil levels in the Focus for the sixteenth time this evening.
